The mysterious and (until now) nameless drummer of cheesegrater is an illegal immigrant, it was claimed by some drunk schizophrenic guy at a pub last night. In a scandal that could tear our beloved noise-makers apart, the allegation is as follows:
The drummer, whose real name is Mohammad fekkin jefty-hammond, originally comes from the small state of krappistan. However, he was forced to flee after the government caught him baking bread in "innapropriate, very erotic shapes" (sex toys are illegal there) and selling them to kids as young as 37. This sentance carries the death penalty, so it is not surprising the drummer came to england.
However, his attempts to disguise himself have caused outrage here too.
It is alledged that he is unable to grow a proper beard due to an addiction to oestrogen tablets (this allegation would also explain his page three chest). So, in order to appear hairy, he has trained a couple of baby badgers to lay perfectly still on his face and neck all day. This practice, once common way back in the 1980s, was banned in 1991 after the 'yuppie flea epidemic' wiped out almost half of our pony-tailed friends. Their numbers are only now beginning to recover.
After several months in hiding, the drummer was recruited into cheesegrater after bails and gregory witnessed him beating up two anti-war protesters. They noticed the complicated multi-limb rythums he was pulling off as he kicked ass, and they invited him to audition for the band. And of course, what better place for an illegal immigrant to hide than in a norfolk punk band?
These allegations are still not proven, and when i tried to phone the various band members, i just got a recorded message saying my telephone was banned from dialling their numbers. must be a technical fault or something.
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