...is a problem halved, as the old saying goes. But sometimes -just sometimes- friends, family... heck, even alcohol, can't help. That's why we have included this page for you, the angst-ridden youth of today. After much negotiation (well, bribery and the old drugs-in-drink trick), we have managed to secure the services of two of the leading authorities on everything: God and Lucifer! To ask them a question, please leave a message on the guestbook or email and it shall be answered asap. Take care, kids!
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Screen Shot: Hyper Lander 2 Classic
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NAME: Crack Whore Laura
QUESTION:
1. why can't 31 year old virgin get laid?
2. Why are exams in the summer when you could be out and about getting arrested for petty stuff?
3. Why don't they make cardboard boxes in sizes suitable for the husky gentleman hobo?
GOD'S RESPONSE:
1. Because, my child, he is an evil man with pornographic comics who will BURRRRN IN HELL, Mwhaaa haha ha ha!
2. Well EU law prevents me from unleashing plagues and generally "gettin' medievil on ya asses" so about the only thing i can do is spoil your summer. The EU will burn in hell!!!!
3. Because the fickle world of fashion even stretches to the hobo world. The losers won't be seen dead in large boxes, or those displaying the 'somerfield' logo. Those who do tend to be shat upon even more than the average hobo. THEY WILL ALL BURN IN HELL! MWAHA HA HA HA!
LUCIFER'S RESPONSE:
1. Aww don't be so hard on the lil' guy! maybe he's waiting for that special lady, and that could be you if ya lucky!
2. Because, man, you will enjoy the rest of the summer so much more after a bit of hard work. Then you can make flower necklaces, dance naked in streams and harness the smoking potential of natures herbs to your hearts content.
3. Because the smaller boxes emphasises their cheekbones and improves their profile. Even hobo's have standards you know, Bless em'!
GOD: Oh for f***s sake, here comes the hippy crap...
LUCIFER: well I was only trying to be nice, you grumpy lil' bear you! Come here, give your hunnybunny a kiss.
G: No, f*** off Lucifer! I told you I'm not into that lovey-dovey crap. Treat em' mean, keep em' keen, thats what I always say. Just look at humans: I throw all kinds of shit at them; plagues, earthquakes, poverty, war, new found glory... and still they try and kiss my ass! And you keep coming back for more, ya dirty little twopenny whore, and...
L: Now just a damn minute Goddy, thats not very nice. First you tell all humanity that I'm evil, then you call me a whore. If your not careful you'll lose me...
G: Yeah like I give a shit! I created the world i did! I've got lotsa God's after me, cos I'm a choice piece of ass!
L: Thats what you think.
G: What exactly does that mean?!
L: Well lets just say you're not exactly a God in every aspect...
NAME: Lil' Stebbs and Ickle Roo
QUESTIONS:
1. Why does Greg get so much sex? Does He ever get bored?
2. Is Bill Gates a virgin?
3. Do Slipknot ever have "scenes"?
4. Just why isnt super strongbow...ummm super?
5. what should i do if my alba 472 stereo system with built in speakers, cd player, radio and tape deck picks up fuzz when approaching the top end volume?
ANSWERS. Please note that all questions, for the moment, will be answered by God only as Lucifer is busy advising George Bush Jr...
1. Because he is blond, beautiful, and facing an eternity in heaven pretty soon so give the poor guy a break. He'll be stuck for all eternity with Cliff Richard, Mother Teresa (though he might like that) and other boring old farts. Only cool people go to hell, so ultimately you'll be better off. Something tells me this petty jelousey will be forgotton when your chatting up Mazza Monroe, and sucking on the "virgin" mary's nipples...
2. No, and to be honest nobody with six billion dollars would be. well, except Ann Widdocome. There will always be golddiggers, and if that fails you can get prostitutes for very reasonable prices these days. Enjoy!
3. "scenes"? If you mean debates about how to structure their latest potential musical masterpiece, then fuck no! If you mean crack-induced orgies, then obviously yes. Why do ya think they need so many "percussionists"?! Especially ones with dick-noses or spikey faces...
4. Alcohol itself is "super" and man cannot really improve on this much. You need to learn the fine art of mixing drinks to reach a new spiritual high. Or just get some weed too, whatever is cheapest.
5. Your alba 472 stereo system with built in speakers, cd player, radio and tape deck probably picks up fuzz on the higher volume settings because the vital components are not really designed for extreme loudness. If there is an audio out facility I would strongly advise you take advantage of it by plugging in external speakers, but ultimately you may be best off upgrading your Alba system to a more powerful model. If this is too expensive, then you may want to consider listening to more gentle music, that won't distort so easily at high volume. I personally reccomend Nick Drake and Beth Orton. In terms of what to do when this happens, it is important not to panic. In this scenario, daddy's shotgun will not help. It is probably best to embrace the fuzz, because in time you may grow to love it. Try inviting some friends over, stick on NOFX at full volume and then remove your clothes. Smear butter, peanut butter, icecream etc all over each others naked bodies and then go with the flow. If your Alba system is portable then take your naked jelly party to the streets, inviting others to join you before settling somewhere in the countryside to lick the gooey mess off each other. I hope this helps, and good luck fuzz buddies!
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